bribe

Here comes thoughts as they pop into my head, uh oh.  

It is 8:20pm.  Today I went to two classes, ate lunch, worked on some stuff at the library, ate dinner, and watched two hours of TV.  I have done all this alone.  Outside of class and a hello from a friend on campus I have no interacted with a real person today.  I mean there was a text or two from a friend at WSU and a brief phone call conversation with my mother, but as for real human interaction... nothing.

I am posting this here to limit the amount of whining I do on my normal blog.  I am not sure what I hope to accomplish.  I hope to God I am not just some pathetic person crying out for help because they dont have the balls to fix the situation themselves.  

I just feel so alone.  In high school I had this group of there friends that I could just call.  We didnt need to arrange things.  I never had to be scared of planning anything.  We just hung out.  We could hang out whenever.  I could just give Lee a call and ten minutes later we would be doing some random bullshit.  Gosh we ended up at WalMart so much.  

I feel like a lot of this has to do with being raised mormon.  Me not drinking puts a damper on my social life.  Me being gay puts a damper on feeling that "belongingness" I felt for so long inside of mormonism.  And I dont feel like I "belong" in other places.  I dont belong at the gay club, or at a party, or any of that.  I belong playing board games on a sunday night with friends.  How in the fuck do you establish a new circle of friends?

Moving out of the dorm was so sad to me because it made me realize how little I had accomplished.  I was moving into a new place and no one wanted me to live with them.  I had to live by myself in this shitty shitty apartment.  I would have been an awesome roommate.  In high school I leaned on my parents stuff to draw in friends.  Come watch a movie on our projector, or come play pool, air hockey, ping-pong, come on our boat, or lets go four wheeling.  I had all sorts of things to trick people into hanging out with me, into being my friend.

I still try to do this.  I have 300 movies that I never watch, a wii that I never use, and a tv that is twice as big as I need.  But I hoped all would bring me friendships.  None of this has worked like my parents stuff has.  Everyone has that stuff.  Maybe that is why I wanted to be rich so bad, so people would like me.  When all I have to offer is me... game over.

Found a Car

It is a 2005 Prius. I was hoping for a car that wasnt quite as old but it has just 33,000 miles and all the fun extras I wanted. It has a six disc cd player with the 9 speaker stereo system, blue tooth, and navigation.

Here is the craigslist for it ---> Here. Got it a bit cheaper then that.

Car

As of right now I will be getting a car on May 30th. That is if my dad's travel plans do not change. Regardless, chances are that I will be getting a car within the next month. I am considering:

The Honda Fit












The Nissan Versa









The Scion XD












I am also thinking about the VW Rabbit maybe. Any suggestions/recommendations?

-- Yep --

I have no expectation for non-Mormon boys to live up to Mormon standards. Meaning they dont let me down constantly, which is nice. Oh, and who knew "Mormon standards" exist outside of Mormonism. Some people just have morals of their own.

Now back to my paper and black eyed peas.

liar

Goals for Today

• Go to gym
• Get some t-shirts from H&M with credit card
• Study for midterm
• Buy some new shoes to interview in
• Finish the tub of Cat Cookies for People from Trader Joes
• Apply for one internship
• Clean room
• giggle to myself
• Love the sun
• Cut my nails
• Write that blog I have been planning/working on
  

Waiting Room

Today I had therapy. Sometimes I cant believe how much it helps. Waiting for my counseler is sometimes as helpful as therapy. It is good to know there are other just as messed up as you.

I walked into the waiting room and notified the front desk that I had arrived. I then claimed a comfy looking chair in the corner of the room. I love the brotherhood aspect of the waiting room.

I look around and know that all of these people to some extent share the pain I experience. The people in that room feel like I do -- something is wrong. Looking around and seeing people that I interact on a daily basis helps me feel a bit less odd. Today was especially exciting, the waiting room had five people in it.

I sat down and began picking apart the lives of my fellow therapy seekers. The guy across from me liked to hunt, he was employed at a grocery store and probably recently broke up with his girlfriend. I had just decided that the girl caddy corner to me belonged to a sorority, when a woman entered the waiting room and announced that all of those there for career counseling and help selecting a major needed to follow her. Within a minute the room empties.

I couldnt help but chuckle to myself. Apparently I am more unusual then I thought.