Hot Apple Cider

Sometimes a stressful day can be cured with a hot drink, a couple friends, a lot of laughing, and some Christmas music.

Thanks

failure

Kurt

ha

maybe i am just being dramatic

i can be fine

i can

like i am toning it down right now

i feel it

i dont know

mark, not being dramatic or or anything but i do not seem my life mounting to anything important

i am not suicidal but i just dont see the point of going through all this pain, the world doesnt need me

my biggest contribution will be to global warming

11:58pm

Mark

haha

that's depressing

11:58pm

Kurt

i wish so much i was suicidal

i wish so much i would fucking kill myself

but i cant

and i wont

and i will be fine tomorrow

but inside of me is this

this absolute total and complete failure

To do

• Clean room
• Figure out what grad programs to apply for and where I can teach
• Beat Mario Kart
• Start reading for class
• Go to the gym more often
• Be a better friend
• Start volunteering at two places
• Floss teeth more often
• Love life
• Buy umbrella
• Cry without shame
• Figure out a job
• Write this blog
• Eat out less
• Eat less in general
• Laugh a bit more often
  

bribe

Here comes thoughts as they pop into my head, uh oh.  

It is 8:20pm.  Today I went to two classes, ate lunch, worked on some stuff at the library, ate dinner, and watched two hours of TV.  I have done all this alone.  Outside of class and a hello from a friend on campus I have no interacted with a real person today.  I mean there was a text or two from a friend at WSU and a brief phone call conversation with my mother, but as for real human interaction... nothing.

I am posting this here to limit the amount of whining I do on my normal blog.  I am not sure what I hope to accomplish.  I hope to God I am not just some pathetic person crying out for help because they dont have the balls to fix the situation themselves.  

I just feel so alone.  In high school I had this group of there friends that I could just call.  We didnt need to arrange things.  I never had to be scared of planning anything.  We just hung out.  We could hang out whenever.  I could just give Lee a call and ten minutes later we would be doing some random bullshit.  Gosh we ended up at WalMart so much.  

I feel like a lot of this has to do with being raised mormon.  Me not drinking puts a damper on my social life.  Me being gay puts a damper on feeling that "belongingness" I felt for so long inside of mormonism.  And I dont feel like I "belong" in other places.  I dont belong at the gay club, or at a party, or any of that.  I belong playing board games on a sunday night with friends.  How in the fuck do you establish a new circle of friends?

Moving out of the dorm was so sad to me because it made me realize how little I had accomplished.  I was moving into a new place and no one wanted me to live with them.  I had to live by myself in this shitty shitty apartment.  I would have been an awesome roommate.  In high school I leaned on my parents stuff to draw in friends.  Come watch a movie on our projector, or come play pool, air hockey, ping-pong, come on our boat, or lets go four wheeling.  I had all sorts of things to trick people into hanging out with me, into being my friend.

I still try to do this.  I have 300 movies that I never watch, a wii that I never use, and a tv that is twice as big as I need.  But I hoped all would bring me friendships.  None of this has worked like my parents stuff has.  Everyone has that stuff.  Maybe that is why I wanted to be rich so bad, so people would like me.  When all I have to offer is me... game over.

Found a Car

It is a 2005 Prius. I was hoping for a car that wasnt quite as old but it has just 33,000 miles and all the fun extras I wanted. It has a six disc cd player with the 9 speaker stereo system, blue tooth, and navigation.

Here is the craigslist for it ---> Here. Got it a bit cheaper then that.

Car

As of right now I will be getting a car on May 30th. That is if my dad's travel plans do not change. Regardless, chances are that I will be getting a car within the next month. I am considering:

The Honda Fit












The Nissan Versa









The Scion XD












I am also thinking about the VW Rabbit maybe. Any suggestions/recommendations?

-- Yep --

I have no expectation for non-Mormon boys to live up to Mormon standards. Meaning they dont let me down constantly, which is nice. Oh, and who knew "Mormon standards" exist outside of Mormonism. Some people just have morals of their own.

Now back to my paper and black eyed peas.